There are two types of people in this world. Those who are Irish and those who wish they were.

By Rich Manning

My father uttered these words at my wedding reception, right before reading The Traditional Irish Blessing to me, my newly minted wife, and our 175 guests. And you know what? He’s absolutely right. If he was not, I seriously doubt that an unofficial holiday like St. Patrick’s Day would exist. After all, the crux of that arrogant sounding statement does lead thousands of Orange County residents to annually clamor around local watering holes with names seemingly ripped from a Dublin phone book, eager to celebrate Irish culture by downing copious amounts of green beer and pinching non-conformists. You just don’t get the same kind of vibe with, say, Norway and the Norwegians. And no offense, but that’s probably a good thing, simply because the proposition of celebrating St. Olaf’s Day with a heaping helping of lutefisk does not exactly roll my socks up and down.

Now admittedly, it is pretty dang cool to be able to proudly flaunt Irish roots, especially around this time of year. Sorry to sound like a braggart, but I cannot fully express just how awesome it is to tell people things about my Emerald Isle related lineage, from the counties my clan lived in to the fact that my great grandfather was a member of the IRA. Seriously. Granted, he was a member of the group long before they became the notorious organization they are today. However, it makes me feel a little edgy when I share the anecdote. But I digress. If you find that your DNA is depleted of authentic Irish goodness as March 17th barrels down the calendar, buck up; that dopey little slogan “Everyone is a little Irish on St. Patrick’s Day” is in fact true, and the spirit behind the claim is alive and flourishing in Orange County. In fact, the breadth of OC-centric St. Patty’s-related events actually expand this happy genetic pass to several days leading up to its proper perennial spot, delivering ample opportunity for all to revel in the land of Guinness, Celtic music, lush green fields, and pale redheaded lasses with wickedly cute accents.

Obviously, the chief way for people to get their Erin Go Bragh on is to stumble into in Irish pub or three throughout the course of the day and grabbing a few beers. And certainly, the OC is not lacking in these special venues, and chances are that you are within staggering distance of one no matter where you live. Unsurprisingly named OC joints like Muldoon’s in Newport Beach, Mulleady’s in Mission Viejo, Kilarney’s in Huntington Beach, Branigan’s in Fullerton, and Costa Mesa’s Durty Nellie’s and Skosh Donihans are just some of the Celtic-themed places where joy and libations will be freely flowing. Some places, such as Durty Nellie’s and Muldoon’s, have even decided to start their festivities as early as the 12th. And yes, you can quaff brews of greenish hues at these pubs if you are so inclined. But why would you want to do that, really? It’s just food coloring, for goodness sake. Just grab a heartier, more satisfying pint instead, like a Guinness or a Smithwick’s, and take in the day in grand style.

Those looking to avoid the bar scene altogether will likely find the 4th annual St. Patrick’s Day Festival in Costa Mesa to be more their speed. Located at the OC Marketplace - you know, the fairgrounds – this entertaining event features stilt walkers, leprechaun magicians, mint ice cream, and scores of Irish dancers doing that weird tap-dancing thing where their upper body remains totally still. The event is a great, safe option to bring the whole family, since it’s during the day and occurs the weekend before St. Patty’s (March 13th and 14th). The combination of timing and venue does indeed make it an ideal option if you want to do something Irish with the kids yet are concerned about the possibility of a well-soused barfly accidentally stumbling over your kids and freaking them out in the process.

If you want to use St. Patrick’s Day as a quest to detect definitive proof of the awesomeness that is Celtic culture, the Irvine Barclay Theatre will provide you with all the evidence you will ever need. On March 17th, the venerable building is hosting a raucous evening of Celtic sights and sounds that is known simply as an “Irish Hooley.” In addition to being my new favorite word, “hooley” is a Celtic term for boisterous party; indeed, it succinctly sums up the event, which is pretty much Orange County’s ultimate celebration of all things Ireland. Promises of a full evening of music, dancing, storytelling, and even a sing-along or two await those lucky enough to attend. The only thing missing from the festive throw down are platefuls of corned beef and cabbage in the lobby.

As enjoyable as the sound of lutes, pipes, and deeply reverberating drums are to some people, they somehow manage to register as ear poison to some of the populace. Not that they dislike the unique perks that St. Patrick’s Day has to offer, but they would rather have their revelry come equipped with a harder edge. Those souls may want to check out The Young Dubliners, who will be performing at the La Mirada Theatre of the Performing Arts on March 13th. Much like their contemporaries Flogging Molly and Dropkick Murphy’s, the lively quintet fuses elements of hard rock and punk into their mélange of traditional Celtic instruments, resulting in a sound that is the perfect kickoff for a week filled with liquor, shenanigans, and bitching about that damned hand ball that knocked Ireland’s soccer team out of this summer’s World Cup. Stupid ref.

St. Patrick’s Day also gives you the perfect excuse for you to take in one of the OC’s most legendary local bands, The Fenians. If you have not heard of them, chances are you are familiar with the name. And by “chances are,” I mean “you should know who they are.” After all, for the past two decades, this venerable group of Celtic musical warriors has been such a fixture at OC venues, one would forgive you if you thought Fenians was the name of The Coach House. This year, The Fenians will be banging the drums and blowing the fifes at Pechanga resort on March 17th, as well as March 15th and 16th for those of you who are into five-day weekends centered on gambling and wine tasting. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. After all, we are talking about St. Patrick’s Day here. If anything, I’m jealous that someone may actually do this because I’m unable to partake in such madcap action.

And if you feel that enjoying St. Patty’s with liquor and song is a bit cliché and are looking for a more, um, unorthodox way to celebrate, you may want to head on over to the Phoenix Club in Anaheim on Saturday, March 13th, where the lovely and intimidating OC Roller Girls will be hosting a Shamrock Smackdown. Yep, roller derby is somehow back in a big way, and this motley crew of bombshell bombers is leading the charge in Orange County. In this event, the derby matches are interspersed with a smattering of wrestling events, presumably to make the results of the roller derby look more authentic. After looking at the flyer for the event, I can safely say that it is about as polar opposite from the Irish Hooley as you can possibly get.

As diverse as some of these events can look, there are still two very important themes that strongly bind them. The first is obviously involves a really cool island in northwest Europe, yet the second tie is much more vital. That is, if you get hammered at any of these events, please designate a driver, take a cab, or do something that prevents you from being a moron and getting behind the wheel when you really shouldn’t. Just be safe out there: Irish wakes are not nearly as fun. Now if you’ll excuse me, I got to tell my wife that I want a throw a hooley for my next birthday.